The Identity Trap: How to Stop Being Stressed and Start Taking Control
A simple mindset shift, grounded in cognitive-behavioral principles, can transform your relationship with professional stress and burnout.
Are you tired of feeling like you’re drowning in your own success? Tired of hearing “just breathe” or “take a vacation” when what you really need is to understand why your brain won’t shut off at 2 AM?
Most professional stress management techniques fail because they address symptoms, rather than their sources.
This isn’t your typical stress management advice. I won’t tell you to breathe deeper or take more breaks (though those can help). I’m going to show you how to prevent unnecessary stress from arising in the first place.
In this article, you will learn:
• How the language you use creates your reality—and how changing a few key words can dramatically lower your stress levels.
• The difference between a real problem and a “stress story,” and why solving for the wrong one keeps you stuck.
• A practical technique for catching stress-creating thoughts before they spiral out of control.
The Coaching Call That Changed Everything
My journey started during a coaching call in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic. The world was filled with uncertainty, and I felt overwhelmed. The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them: “I’m stressed.”
My coach was silent for a moment. Finally, he asked the strangest question.
“Do you have a dictionary?”
Confused, I told him I did. “Good,” he said. “Look up the word ‘stress.’’
Here I was, pouring my heart out, and he wanted to play word games. But something in his tone piqued my curiosity, so I reached for the dictionary and read the definition aloud: “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.”
Then he asked the question that stopped me in my tracks.
“Is your picture next to that definition?”
The Identity vs. Experience Breakthrough
The Identity vs. Experience Breakthrough
That question landed with the force of a revelation. I realized I had stopped experiencing stress and started being stressed. I had woven a temporary emotional state into my identity.
The difference might seem small, but it’s everything.
When you say, “I am stressed,” you’re not describing a fleeting moment. You’re declaring who you are. You’ve made stress your identity. But when you realize stress is something you’re experiencing, not something you are, everything changes. Experiences are temporary and constantly shifting. An identity feels permanent.
This is a core principle in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which shows that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected. The language we use to describe our feelings reinforces the stories we tell ourselves, locking us into negative cycles.
How Language Creates Your Reality
That coaching session transformed my understanding of myself. I started watching my language, not just about stress, but about everything. “I’m overwhelmed.” “I’m anxious.” “I’m failing.”
Each time, I was turning a temporary experience into a permanent part of my identity.
Most of what we call “stress” doesn’t start with our circumstances. It’s created by the stories we tell ourselves about our circumstances, which are then reinforced by the language we use to describe those stories.
COVID hadn’t changed when I got off that call. The uncertainty was still there. The challenge was still real. But my relationship to it had shifted. I wasn’t a “stressed person” anymore. I was a person dealing with challenging circumstances.
Why Traditional Professional Stress Management Fails High Achievers
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been told that stress is the price you pay for being ambitious.
That’s simply not true. Most of the pressure we experience is optional. It’s a result of our thoughts.
This isn’t about positive thinking or ignoring problems. It’s about gaining clarity to see the difference between what is actually happening and the stressful stories we’re making up on top of it.
Could your feeling of being overwhelmed come from your thoughts and words about your workload, rather than the workload itself?
Your Turn to Take Control
Next week, I’ll share the exact framework I use to help clients recognize when they’re experiencing stress versus when they’re creating it through their language.
The week after, we’ll explore the most common stress-inducing phrases ambitious professionals use (I guarantee you say at least three of them daily) and what to say instead.
If this story resonates with you, subscribe now to receive these insights directly in your inbox. It’s free. More importantly, I want to hear from you. When did you have your own “dictionary moment?’’ What language do you use that might be making things harder than they need to be?
Reply to this email and share your experience. Your insights often become the foundation for future articles. The goal isn’t to eliminate all challenges from your life; that’s impossible.
The goal is to stop turning temporary experiences into permanent identities. Ready to see the difference?
Welcome to your stress-free journey.
—Nicholas
Want to learn the complete system? The Stress Freedom Framework includes 3 Proactive Practices and 5 Tools to help you eliminate stress at its source. Explore the full framework here →
This article was originally published on Substack.
P.S. The coach who challenged me with the dictionary taught me that the most powerful question you can ask when you feel overwhelmed is: “What story am I telling myself right now?” Try it this week and see what you discover.
What’s Really Causing Your Stress? Want to go deeper right now?
Most people think they know—work, deadlines, responsibilities. But the real drivers are often hidden patterns you’re not consciously aware of.
That’s why I created the 5-Day Stress Pattern Discovery Journal—a free guided tool to help you uncover what’s really going on.
Over 5 days, you’ll:
✅ Identify your hidden stress triggers
✅ Discover patterns you didn’t know existed
✅ Get clarity on what’s really causing your burnout
It takes just 5-10 minutes a day. No fluff, no BS—just real insight.
